for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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