Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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