If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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