Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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