OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
