True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
