apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
