1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
