i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
