New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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