Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
