i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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