I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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