this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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