I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
