Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
