i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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