come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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