Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
