Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
