I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
