Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
