He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
