Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
