Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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