boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
