I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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