You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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