I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
