when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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