Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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