Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
