seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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