he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's never too late to be topless.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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