why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
