so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
