you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
