During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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