I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
