I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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