Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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