Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
