WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
