if only i could text you this smell
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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