i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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