there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
