Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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