drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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