my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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