so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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