Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He? As in you personified your dick?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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