Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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