we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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