Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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