Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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