All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
