I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
